“God, I can’t do this. You have to do it for me.”
I cannot count the amount of times I uttered these words. I recall one day laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, the pain in my heart weighed me down so that it felt impossible to move. In my darkest hour the roots of my faith were literally the only thing keeping me from blowing away. The only words I could say some days are “I can’t God, please”. Every morning I woke up and my first thought was, “how am I going to live a full day? I can’t God, please”. At that time I considered myself a born again Christian, but oh did I have some lessons to learn.
I grew up in the same church that I attend now. My parents started taking my sister and I as children to the church my Mom grew up in as well. While I was quick to share with everyone that I went to church that was about the extent of my Christian walk. I knew all the Bible stories, but I did not necessarily apply them to my life. Not until I was in my twenties did I realize that it took more than saying “I’m a Christian” to be a Christian. At the age of 25 I was married to my high school sweetheart, working a full-time job I hated, battling depression and anxiety, struggling with faith, and wanting more than anything to have a baby. In my mind having a baby would fix everything. (Huge eye roll inserted here)
I wanted a baby so badly. I was put on this earth to be a mom, that much I knew. There was a dull ache in my heart that turned into a full on stabbing pain whenever I saw a pregnant woman, baby, or family. It took 8 months for me to finally see that positive pregnancy test and what I realize for some is a relatively short time, to me felt like forever. I couldn’t contain my excitement, we told family and close friends right away, and at just 8 weeks we announced on social media, in a very Pinteresty way, that we were expecting. For me this was the beginning of the end to all my problems. We had names picked out, nursery ideas, and we were in love with this little baby growing in my womb.
One week later at our nine week appointment, we were told that our baby had no heartbeat. The baby had in fact stopped growing at 8 weeks, when we announced that I was pregnant. Even now typing those words fills my whole body with dread. I remember every second of that visit. How excitement turned to grief, the face of the ultrasound tech as she quickly turned off the machine, my husband’s face when his head whipped around at the sound of the words ” no heartbeat”. I heard a woman screaming in despair, only to realize it was me. It was something I honestly never expected to hear. My entire future crashed down around me in that moment. I told myself that taking 8 months to get pregnant, that was my “hard time”. Not loosing my baby. How was this happening? The hours, days, and weeks that followed this news is an entire post on its on. It was the darkest time in my life, but through it I finally learned the meaning of a relationship with Jesus.
There is absolutely no way I could have gotten through that time without Jesus. My body was numb, my heart literally ached, and my eyes were swollen shut from days of crying. That first week I felt as if I was on autopilot. I wanted to lay there and never move, but I got up. I got up and went back to the doctors and underwent a painful procedure. I got up and went to the hospital for the final procedure that was the removal of my baby. I got up and untold everyone I was pregnant. I got up and went back to work. I wasn’t strong enough to do these things on my own. Jesus was LIVING FOR ME. I know he was. The roots of my faith and the knowledge of who Jesus was, allowed me to call out to my savior. That day I laid in my bed the realization that I was not alone was overwhelming. I knew then that from the moment the words came out of the doctor’s mouth Jesus swooped me up in his arms and carried me through. I could not have done it in my own strength. I felt so close to my savior, I could feel Him physically holding me up when the attacks of the enemy (Satan) tried to squash me like a bug. I held on tight to his right hand like a child holding the hand of her father. This was my first glimpse at what a relationship with Jesus is and because of that relationship, I started healing. I would love to say here that from that moment on I was an on fire Christian and serving the Lord with all my heart, soul, and body. That, however, is not my story.
Five months later I saw another positive pregnancy test and was plummeted into fear. The enemy attacked me harder than I had ever been attacked before. As many steps forward as I took in my Christian walk, I took double that back. I succumbed to the fear and by the time I had my beautiful son, I was so far away from my relationship with Jesus, I didn’t know how I was going to get back. After Jesus literally carried me through my darkest time I turned away from Him. I struggled with depression, post-partum depression, anxiety attacks, and was even told I had PTSD from my miscarriage. I was a shell of myself. I was failing my husband, my son, and myself. I knew in my heart what I needed, the roots were there, but I felt too far away. Once again, I found myself calling out to my savior. “I can’t do this anymore, God, please help me.” Oh, our God is so good. No matter how far we go He is always waiting with open arms. Within the last few months I have been delivered from depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a million other things. Today my relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important in my life because, when that relationship is right, everything else is. I am living a life full of joy and purpose. I feel like myself, not again, but for the first time! And it’s all because of Jesus!
Whatever you are going through. Whether it is physical pain, emotional pain, illness, depression, anxiety, addiction, discouragement, anything and everything. Jesus died on the cross so that we may be forgiven of our sins, but also to heal us and make us whole. Call out to Him. He loves you and died for you, let him take care of you. Even if you have never spoken a word to Him before in your life, He knows you and wants to hear from you. He is waiting to swoop you up in his arms and carry you through. All you have to do is ask.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ” My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:8-9