Five Years.

Where do you see yourself in five years? I remember being asked that question in a job interview a little over five years ago. I don’t remember what I said exactly, most likely a typical interview answer. “Well, I see my self moving up in this company and growing my family.” Today I can tell you I was half right. I definitely didn’t know what the five year in between would look like.

5 years ago today a doctor told my husband and I that they couldn’t find our baby’s heartbeat. I was forced into a world I never thought I’d be in, a club I didn’t want to join, and a journey I can look back on now and say I’m thankful for but, was not really fun to go through. Five years, and my life does not resemble the life I had in any way. God has restored so much of what was broken and He is still doing it everyday.

I still think of the baby I never got to know. Looking at my son and daughter I will catch myself thinking, I wonder if she looked like them or may be she would of looked more like me. Some days I still find myself thinking about that doctors appointment, replaying everything over in my head. I wish I never had to go through it. I wish no one ever has to go through it. But I am thankful for where I am today. I am thankful for the blessings God gave me in the middle of my grief, big and small. People He put in my path that gave me encouragement and hope, opportunities, closed doors, and new dreams. Today I am so much stronger than I was five years ago and in five years I will be even stronger yet. Instead of living in the past dwelling in that dark place I long for the day when I meet Jesus. He will hug me and welcome me home. I imagine Him saying, “There is someone who wants to meet you!” and finally I’ll hold my sweet baby in my arms.

Of course I have no idea what will actually happen when I reach Heaven but, it is nice to be able to think of my baby and not spend the whole day a mess. What I do know is that in my darkest hour Jesus carried me through. He lifted me up when I was too weak and now that I’m stronger He walks beside me. Still catching me daily when I stumble, ready to lift me up when I need it. He NEVER leaves.

Todays date hit me hard. I know its coming and then bam it’s here almost like a surprise. So, how do I honor my first baby? I do that by sharing how we got through. By sharing that Yes, it hurts so much, No, it’s not fair, No next baby will replace that baby, it’s okay to cry A LOT, and it’s okay to scream and be angry. But, it will get better. One day you will think of that baby and not burst into tears. Instead you will smile knowing that your baby calls heaven home. They have never known pain or sadness, streets of Gold are their playground.

I am writing this because five years ago I thought my life was over. Today God has given me all I could have ever dreamed of and more. If you are in the middle of it. Whatever IT is. It’s not over. You will get through this stronger. Ask Jesus to help you and He will. He will reach down, lift you up, and carry you through until you can stand on your own again.

Jesus, hug my baby extra tight today, give her a million kisses, tell her I’ll see her soon, and that I love her so very much.

In memory of my first baby. You made me a mother before the world saw me as one.

My Words for the Year

blur calendar close up december
Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi on

Tonight at the stroke of midnight 2018 will be the past and a new year will begin. A fresh start stretches out before us. 365 days to be better, do more, and live life to the fullest. I have to admit I have never been big on New Year resolutions and have only ever kept one, to not eat pineapple for a whole year. Don’t ask! But I learned of something that is a little different and I was all about it. Choosing a word for your year. There are a couple reasons why I was so excited for this. One,  I love words and I think words are powerful. Two, it just so happens that two words started me on this whole journey of writing a blog. Three, I didn’t feel like picking a word a for my year was a set up for failure like that time I made a resolution to get a six pack by the summer. So, I decided that I was going to pick a word for 2019 and then I decided I am picking a couple words. Without going into a very extensive explanation of my whole plan for my life, blog, and year I will just say I have a plan and I need to pick multiple words.

But first, a little bit about 2018. Seriously, when I think of this time last year and see where I am at now it is nothing short of a miracle. Maybe from the outside I don’t look very different and even my life does not look very different, but believe me so much has changed. This year I learned so much about myself, some good and some not so good. I have grown as a person in my faith and how I feel about myself. I’ve started some crazy projects I never thought I would do. I have been stretched as a mom and realized how much I am capable of. I have fallen in love with my husband a hundred times. All in all it has been a good year, but I am thinking 2019 is going to be even better.

When I started thinking of what my word would be I realized that I wear so many hats. Christian, Wife, Mother, Crafter, Blogger, Friend, Daughter, Sister, and you know whatever else happens to pop up. In each area of my life there are things I know I need to work on and grow in. So I decided to choose some of those “hats” and choose my words that way. The “hats” I chose are, drum roll please….. Christian, Wife, Mother. Yes, I know I picked the obvious ones. I will also pick a general word that covers every area and would be considered my WORD OF THE YEAR.

So, here it goes, my words for the year.


So, this word is really important to me and was kind of my word for half of last year. But, this year I want to be more intentional about choosing Joy in every area and every situation. Also, I want to help others find their Joy as well!

Christian Word of the Year is INTENTIONAL. 

This year I want to be more intentional about my relationship with Christ. By studying His word and spending time with Him. Also. I want to be intentional with sharing His word with friends, family, and especially my son.

Wife word of the Year is SELFLESS.

This might be the hardest one. To be selfless is not what the flesh wants to do, but I believe it is very much how God wants us to be. This year I am choosing to make my marriage a main priority because lets be honest that first year or so of having a baby can wear a marriage down. I want to be selfless when it comes to my husband, thinking of his needs before my own.

Mother word of the Year is PATIENCE. 

My son will turn two in 2019. I feel like I could literally just stop with that sentence and every Mom in unison would say, Amen! These last couple months my husband and I have already started to get a little taste of what the toddler stage is going to be like for us and I definitely need to work and focus on being more patient. I could probably use this in every area of my life, but I am hoping that while focusing on this in motherhood it will start to spread to every other area as well.

jusfor you

Why are you sharing this with us Danyele? First, I just typed all this up and I am going to share it with the world so that holds me accountable to follow through. Second, I hope that maybe this will encourage you to look at your past year and evaluate what areas you want to do better in. Pick a word and start writing down ways you can start living that word.  Share your word! Announce it on social media and have friends and family hold you accountable.

During the month of January I will be going a little deeper into what choosing a word for my year looks like for me and how I plan on emulating these words everyday. This is a journey. When the ball drops at midnight, I am not instantly going to have Joy in every area of my life, be Patient, Selfless, and Intentional. Like most things worth doing it is going to take work and dedication!

So, that’s it for me for now. I am so excited to dive into this journey and share it with all of you! If you are choosing a word or words for your year comment below and let me know. I would love to know what it is!!



To my husband, I’m sorry.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Something I never knew until I became a woman who suffered a pregnancy loss. I wasn’t sure what I should say or do this month, which is why I am posting something at the very last second. I was overwhelmed by the transparency, strength, and unity I saw on social media this month. Women sharing their stories of loss and being met with support and love from those who know exactly how it feels. A strange bond forms between two people who have shared a similar loss and I felt that bond this month, I didn’t feel so alone.

But I didn’t want to talk about myself today. I want to share a letter to my husband. An amazing man who loved, cared, and protected me from the world during the worst time of our lives. The dads of the sweet babies we lost are sometimes forgotten and I just wanted to let the father of my babies know that he is not.

Dear Husband,

This letter is long overdue. I have thought about it so many times, but never wanted to open up these wounds. That day in February, just five days before your birthday, I was not the only one who lost a baby. You did too. From the moment the doubts set in at the doctor’s office; as they searched for a heart beat you started to protect me. Trying not to give up hope, holding on until they finally confirmed that our baby was gone. You held me, you got me out of there, you practically carried me to the car. The whole time you stayed strong as I crumbled. I saw the tears start rolling down your cheeks, but still you stayed strong for me as I called my parents to tell them. When we got home everyone catered to me. You made phone calls and made sure everyone was ok. You protected me from the world, screening phone calls and repeating the words over and over that I couldn’t even utter. I’m sorry that I hardly asked if you were okay. I’m sorry I was selfish. The days I felt all alone, I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were going through this too. I’m sorry that I made you explain to every person who came up to me after and asked how I was feeling that we lost the baby. I made you relive that day over and over and you never complained once. I put you through some rough days. I know you worried about what I was capable of. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you weren’t enough. I know I said I had nothing to live for, but I was wrong. I had you. I will never be able to repay you for what you did for me. I know you would never even think to ask me to. I do want to acknowledge your loss though. I know you had dreams too. We picked out names together, I didn’t do that alone. I know you struggled with fear when I got pregnant again. Still, everyone asked me how I was doing. Did they ask you? Miscarriage is hard because it refers to the woman loosing the pregnancy. But it wasn’t just a pregnancy, it was our baby. From the moment we knew I was pregnant, we loved that baby. We didn’t just lose a pregnancy we lost our child, our hopes and dreams for the future. I was not the only one loosing something that day. You did too and I’m sorry.


Your wife.

No Problem Too Small

This post was not my original plan for this week. But life happens. For all the parents out there, you will understand how my week has been from these next two words, EAR INFECTION. Nothing like a toddler with an ear infection to make you question everything in life. A few times yesterday I found myself saying, ” What am I going to do?” I was literally asking myself. I was not asking God what I should do because, well it’s just an ear infection and as much as I hate seeing my poor baby suffer I know that he will be better in a few days. Without realizing it, I had reserved God for the big problems only. Not wanting to bother my big God with something small. A little food for thought; How many of my big problems would have never become big if, I brought them to God when they were small?

I can tell you as a stay at home that sometimes as I walk down the stairs in the morning and realize I’m about to do the same exact thing as yesterday makes me cringe. Milk, diaper changes, breakfast, play or maybe a park, snack, more playing, lunch, nap, and another snack, errands, maybe visiting grandparents, dinner, tv, bath, and bed. Sprinkle a few exciting temper tantrums in there and trying to keep the house somewhat clean and I usually am going to bed wondering what exactly did I do today besides keep my child fed. I stay up all night feeling like I got nothing done. Trying to figure out how I was going to do it better tomorrow. What I don’t usually do is ask God. “How should my schedule look?” or “God. what can I do today to make it feel less monotonous?”

Then, there are days like today. Up at 4:30am with a screaming 1 year old pulling at his ear. Hours of crying and a doctor appointment later, we have an ear infection and 10 days of trying to get my toddler to take medicine. I wish I was doing my same old routine with my happy little guy! Today was a hard day. I struggled. I fell sleep when he did and I didn’t do the dishes. No laundry was done and no food was made. I held him while he slept and once the little pain medicine I got him to swallow kicked in, I played with him. My husband and I spent hours trying to get one dose of antibiotics in his little body. It was tense. My mind kept going over everything I needed to do this week and I got stressed out. Then I got mad that I was stressed out, what do you have to be stressed over? Your house is messy, your kid has an ear infection, and you need to pack for vacation. Your world is not ending. These are not life or death problems. Do not bother God with this. And stop there.

This is a lie from the enemy. See, maybe in comparison to someone else my problems are small. I’m thankful  every day that my problems are small, but God can handle the small problems just like the big ones. As I was reading the same scriptures I read every day one stood out to me like never before. John 16:33 says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Jesus overcame every trouble when he died on the cross and then rose three days later. The big ones and the small ones. He will help you find ways to break up your monotonous day, to get your kid to take medicine, to give your family peace and rest during an ear infection, and yes, he will even help you pack for vacation! Do not ever think you can’t bother God with your troubles.

This week’s post is short and sweet, but for me it has been a huge revelation. If you struggle with going to God with the small stuff like me below is a prayer I am praying tonight to start changing my thinking regarding this topic. I hope you will join me in growing your trust in God deeper.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for sending your son to die on the cross for my sins, for my healing, and also for my troubles. God, I know that you can do anything and that any problem I’m facing, big or small, you have already overcome that problem. Lord, forgive me for trying to figure the small stuff out on my own and for not coming to you. Forgive me for not trusting you with every area of my life. Lord, I ask that you start a new work in me and change my thinking regarding this. Help me to look to you with every issue that arises not matter how big and no matter how small. I trust you with every area of my life and I know that Your plan for me is always better than my own. Thank you Lord for this revelation. I love you and I praise you in Jesus name, Amen!

How-To: Daily Dose of Truth

Taking scripture like medicine is a huge part of my Pastor’s testimony so I had heard her talk about it. I always thought to myself, “Wow, that’s a great idea”, but I never applied it to myself. After confiding in my Pastor about some of the things I was struggling with I was reading my Bible one morning and had this weird feeling like I should read Ephesians chapter 6 out loud. I had never really done anything like this before, but I started reading out loud. It felt different, it felt powerful. Literally right after I finished, I received a text message from my Pastor with a voice message. She said she felt led to pray for me and that God wants me to focus on Ephesians chapter 6. She also said that I should start taking scripture like medicine. God is so cool! I knew that this was something I needed to do! It’s not easy to start something new like this. There are days where it’s noon and I’m like did I do my scriptures??? But I am determined to make this a part of my everyday routine! So how did I start? What does this look like? Well, as promised, here is my How-to: Daily Dose of Truth!


  • Note cards
  • Pen/pencil/marker
  • Hole punch
  • twine/Ribbon/string/keychain ring
  • Decorations: washi tape/stickers/markers/etc
  • Scripture!!!

Step 1- Gather Scripture

The first thing you want to do is gather scripture. Think about what you need to focus on and spend time in prayer asking God what you should focus on. Then gather scripture according to those areas. For example, I gathered scripture focusing on spiritual warfare, fear, depression, anxiety, motherhood, and my marriage.

Step 2- Write Down Scripture

Now, depending on how you like to do things this step could be done with step 1. You could look for scriptures and write them down as you find them. I did not do this. I tend to always do things the hard way. However, I did read the scripture extra my way so, I guess that’s a positive.

I simply wrote down the scripture on my notecards in pen, but you could use markers, gel pens, or calligraphy. Be as creative as you want or you do not have to be creative at all. The most important thing is the Word of God. As long as you are reading scripture off of something, then you are good!

Step 3-Decorate Your Notecards (if you want)

This is where I had a little fun! I had been seeing a lot about Washi Tape and how people loved using it for all different kinds of craft projects. I had never used it before so I figured why not try it out. I went to Micheals and spent entirely too long staring at all the different styles and finally chose one I liked. I didn’t go crazy, but I added a little Washi Tape here and there on my notecards to make them a little more me! You can decorate your notecards  how ever you like! You can use stickers, paint, markers, gel pens, etc. However, a pen and a plain notecard work just as well too. Again, all that matters is that you are reading scripture!

Step 4- Bind Your Notecards

Now that you have gathered your scriptures, written your scriptures on your notecards, and decorated your notecards(if you wanted), it is time to bind your notecards. I decided to hole punch my notecards and bind them with twine. The twine matched the style of my cards and I already had some at my house! Win win! You could also use ribbon, string, a keychain ring. Another option is to purchase the notecards that are in the style of a spiral notebook and skip this step all together. If you do not want to bind them at all you could put them in a box on your counter or dresser and keep them together that way.

Step 5- What is Your Dosage?

Since the day I decided I need to do this I just had a feeling I should be doing this morning and night. When I wake up and before I go to sleep. I also realized that my Kuerig machine has become this weird base for me. When things start getting crazy, I basically run over to the corner of my kitchen and start making a cup of coffee whether I want it or not. The simple everyday task calms me. But maybe I should run to that corner and take my “medicine”. I love coffee, coffee is not bad, but I was using that to calm me when Jesus is the only one who can truly calm whatever storm I’m in. Coffee has a big enough job of waking me up lets not add anything else to its plate. So, through prayer it was confirmed to me that I should start with taking my ” medicine” in the morning and before bed. Also, it should be placed at my Kuerig in case I need an emergency dose!

This step is going to look different for everyone. This is between you and God. Ask Him and He will tell you exactly what you need!

Step 6- Start!

This is the easy but not so easy part! Don’t say I’ll start on Monday, don’t say you’ll start the first of the month, don’t say you’ll start tomorrow. Start right now. Start picking your scripture, throw together some notecards, and start today. You can always decorate later. You can always add more scriptures. But seriously, just start it now it can totally change the way your day goes when you cover yourself with the word of God!

There it is! Six easy steps and you can start taking scripture like medicine. I have started and failed a few times. But I will not be discouraged and neither should you. If you forget one day just start over tomorrow. I can not wait to see what God will do in my life when I become consistent with declaring his word over every area of my life!

Here are some of the scriptures I am reading morning and night!

  • “Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:14-17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  • “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.””

‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  • “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  • “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭NIV‬

  • “rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭2:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

  • “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

JOY! What it is, how I lost it, and how I am getting it back.

What is Joy? The dictionary defines Joy as: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. Pretty simple right? But as I sat and really thought about it I realized that there is so much more that goes in to the concept of Joy. One, I thought about how Joy seems bigger than happy to me for some reason. Joy is more of a lifestyle for me than just a feeling that is fleeting.  Joy is something you can have every second of every day regardless of your current situation. You can also not have Joy every second of every day regardless of your current situation. It is a choice. Making the choice to have Joy every day can radically change your day to day life. Two, how do you get Joy? Well, this answer is simple. You get it from Jesus. 1 Peter 1:8 says, “Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him, and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.” So, like I said this part is simple; believing in Jesus and loving him is what fills you with Joy.

Here is your warning: YOUR JOY CAN BE STOLEN!

I let Satan steal my Joy.

The morning after I learned the baby in my womb no longer had a heartbeat I woke up from a restless sleep and started vacuuming. If you know me this is very weird. I avoid cleaning at all cost. The rest of my house was quiet and still, but the turmoil inside me was deafening. I honestly think I vacuumed to try and drown out the noise. As I pushed the vacuum back and forth I looked up and said ” Jesus, please take care of my baby.” Even through my pain I knew I served a good God. I knew that the moment my baby’s heart stopped beating that she ( I believe it was a girl) was in the arms of Jesus. Yes, in that moment I felt Joy! My heart was broken, but there is a peace and Joy that you can only find in Jesus and it doesn’t matter what your current situation is. I felt Joy in the fact that the sweet baby I had loved from the moment I knew they existed was cradled in the arms of Jesus. That brought me the most joy that could have been felt in that moment. Then I made a huge mistake. I stopped choosing Joy.

Satan, that slippery little snake, waits in the shadows to attack us at our weakest. He saw my pain and he saw me turn my eyes to Jesus. He hates that and will do everything in his power to stop it. At that time in my Christian walk I didn’t know to be on guard for the attacks of the enemy. I knew Satan was real and that he was bad, but I had not fully grasped the concept of his attacks. I also didn’t realize that Joy was a choice I had to make. Slowly the confidence I had in my Lord and Savior started wavering. Thoughts creeped in. You prayed for this child and you didn’t get it. This is your fault. God is angry with you. Where is your loving savior now. You will never get through this. Get angry, you’ll feel better. Oh, I got angry. I also got bitter, mean, and selfish. However, I am very fortunate to have family who extended some tough love in my direction. (Thanks Mom and Dad) They opened my eyes to how I was acting and I really thought I was doing better, but one thing had not sunk it yet. That every day I had a choice. Choose Joy or choose depression, anxiety, sadness, guilt, shame, hate, anger, and bitterness. When we choose Joy we are choosing to love and believe in Jesus. Believe that no matter what is going on around us that God has the very best for us, that he will never leave us or forsake us, and that he loves us. It is impossible to not have Joy when you believe that. But. I did not make that choice every day.

I was pregnant again! Tears of Joy flowed down my face and then a pang of fear I was not expecting. I don’t think I moved for weeks. The vision I had in my head of a glowing pregnancy, was stolen from me. Fear morphed into pure misery. I despised being pregnant. I literally had to fake a smile everytime someone asked me how far along I was. Please do not get me wrong I loved the baby growing inside me and prayed everyday that I would make it another day, but fear weighed me down the entire 40 weeks. There were moments of joy that were always overshadowed by the grief of last time. Whenever I started to get excited Satan would swoop in, ” don’t get too excited. You might loose this one too.” I let Satan’s lies distract me from the choice I needed to make and that was to believe and love Jesus, Joy.

The devil is persistent. Even after having my beautiful son he kept attacking. My son could never be out of my sight because I was sure he would die. I was mothering out of fear. I held him 24/7 and stared at his chest all night. I was in a constant state of waiting for something bad to happen. I came up with plans on what to do if he got sick, someone broke in, or any another circumstance I could think of. Every doctor appointment I was sure they would tell me something was wrong and that I needed to go to the hospital right away. I was exhausted. I had lost my Joy. I had stopped choosing Joy instead I was choosing to be fearful, stressed, tired, and bitter.

I was also missing out on precious moments with my son and family because I was usually googling a bizarre symptom or “needing a break” a.k.a. going in my room to cry. I dreamt of being a mother my whole life and there I was, finally a mom, but it looked nothing like how I had thought.

Even though I stopped choosing him Jesus did not leave me during this time. I was tuning in to the wrong station. I was listening to the lies of the enemy instead of God’s truth. I let Satan tell me who I was and what my future looked like. Let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. Thank God, I was brought up in church because I knew something was off. Things weren’t lining up with what I had been told my whole life. I started listening a little closer. There was static in the air waves another voice there in the background. Contradicting the words I was hearing in my head. Instead of worthless I heard worthy. Instead of hopelessness I heard hope. Instead of pain I heard you are healed. Instead of death I heard life. Jesus reached down and pulled me out of the darkness and into the light. He placed the Joy back in my hands, but now I needed to choose it everyday.


It is so important to know that we have an enemy. An enemy that has come to steal, kill, and destroy. We need to be on guard always. Putting on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20) to stand against the attacks of the enemy. We are at war! We need to train hard. Reading the word and arming our selves with scripture. We need to protect our homes, ourselves, and our children. My mom always told me, ” open up the front door and open up the back door and tell the devil to GET OUT!” If we are aware that we have an enemy then we know to be on guard! We know we have a choice to make.

Yes, you are a warrior. You can make the choice to have Joy. If you are feeling attacked open up those doors and kick the devil out. Put on the full armor of God and go to war.

I received some really great advice from my Pastor, she told me to start preparing myself now to fight. Jesus fought, and won, yet another battle for me. But it wont be the last. Her advice was to take scripture like medicine. Gather scripture on what you are struggling with, who you are in Christ, healing scripture, whatever you need. Write these down on note cards and take them like medicine. Ask God what your dosage is and if He says, “take it twice daily by mouth” then morning and night I’ll be saying these scriptures out loud speaking them into existence in my life. This is one way you can choose Joy. Doing something every day that says I’m choosing to believe and love Jesus.

This week I am going to post a fun How-To on creating these notecards, some of the scriptures I am using, and what it looks like for me during my day. I will be completely honest with you, I am more inclined to do something when it looks pretty so my notecards are cute, but they can look however you want them to look. You can jot down scripture on a back of a Target receipt if you want, just don’t lose it like I do!

Other ways to choose Joy everyday? Literally, wake up and say out loud. Today I am choosing Joy. I choose to love and believe Jesus. Spend time with God and in His word. When it starts getting hard to choose Joy, cause believe me it is not always easy. There are times when the last thing I wanna say is I choose Joy, but say it anyway. Look at your life and find the things that our your gifts from God. Looking at my sons face gets it done every time.

It makes me sad when I think of my self during that joyless time. Fake happiness on the outside a storm raging on the inside. Today I choose Joy and so can you! Yes, there will be hard times. I am going to sound like a total Mom right now, but no one said life is fair! But Jesus has won the victory over every single hard time we have ever had, we are having, and ever will have. We can choose that victory through Jesus and have Joy on the inside even when there is a storm raging on the outside.

My Testimony: Jesus Lived For Me

back view daylight environment fall
Photo by Tobi on

“God, I can’t do this. You have to do it for me.”

I cannot count the amount of times I uttered these words. I recall one day laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, the pain in my heart weighed me down so that it felt impossible to move. In my darkest hour the roots of my faith were literally the only thing keeping me from blowing away. The only words I could say some days are “I can’t God, please”.  Every morning I woke up and my first thought was, “how am I going to live a full day? I can’t God, please”. At that time I considered myself a born again Christian, but oh did I have some lessons to learn.

I grew up in the same church that I attend now. My parents started taking my sister and I as children to the church my Mom grew up in as well. While I was quick to share with everyone that I went to church that was about the extent of my Christian walk. I knew all the Bible stories, but I did not necessarily apply them to my life. Not until I was in my twenties did I realize that it took more than saying “I’m a Christian” to be a Christian. At the age of 25 I was married to my high school sweetheart, working a full-time job I hated, battling depression and anxiety, struggling with faith, and wanting more than anything to have a baby. In my mind having a baby would fix everything. (Huge eye roll inserted here)

I wanted a baby so badly. I was put on this earth to be a mom, that much I knew. There was a dull ache in my heart that turned into a full on stabbing pain whenever I saw a pregnant woman, baby, or family. It took 8 months for me to finally see that positive pregnancy test and what I realize for some is a relatively short time, to me felt like forever. I couldn’t contain my excitement, we told family and close friends right away, and at just 8 weeks we announced on social media, in a very Pinteresty way, that we were expecting. For me this was the beginning of the end to all my problems. We had names picked out, nursery ideas, and we were in love with this little baby growing in my womb.

One week later at our nine week appointment, we were told that our baby had no heartbeat. The baby had in fact stopped growing at 8 weeks, when we announced that I was pregnant. Even now typing those words fills my whole body with dread. I remember every second of that visit. How excitement turned to grief, the face of the ultrasound tech as she quickly turned off the machine, my husband’s face when his head whipped around at the sound of the words ” no heartbeat”. I heard a woman screaming in despair, only to realize it was me. It was something I honestly never expected to hear. My entire future crashed down around me in that moment. I told myself that taking 8 months to get pregnant, that was my “hard time”. Not loosing my baby. How was this happening? The hours, days, and weeks that followed this news is an entire post on its on. It was the darkest time in my life, but through it I finally learned the meaning of a relationship with Jesus.

There is absolutely no way I could have gotten through that time without Jesus. My body was numb, my heart literally ached, and my eyes were swollen shut from days of crying. That first week I felt as if I was on autopilot. I wanted to lay there and never move, but I got up. I got up and went back to the doctors and underwent a painful procedure. I got up and went to the hospital for the final procedure that was the removal of my baby. I got up and untold everyone I was pregnant. I got up and went back to work. I wasn’t strong enough to do these things on my own. Jesus was LIVING FOR ME. I know he was. The roots of my faith and the knowledge of who Jesus was, allowed me to call out to my savior. That day I laid in my bed the realization that I was not alone was overwhelming. I knew then that from the moment the words came out of the doctor’s mouth Jesus swooped me up in his arms and carried me through. I could not have done it in my own strength. I felt so close to my savior, I could feel Him physically holding me up when the attacks of the enemy (Satan) tried to squash me like a bug. I held on tight to his right hand like a child holding the hand of her father. This was my first glimpse at what a relationship with Jesus is and because of that relationship, I started healing. I would love to say here that from that moment on I was an on fire Christian and serving the Lord with all my heart, soul, and body. That, however, is not my story.

Five months later I saw another positive pregnancy test and was plummeted into fear. The enemy attacked me harder than I had ever been attacked before. As many steps forward as I took in my Christian walk, I took double that back. I succumbed to the fear and by the time I had my beautiful son, I was so far away from my relationship with Jesus, I didn’t know how I was going to get back. After Jesus literally carried me through my darkest time I turned away from Him. I struggled with depression, post-partum depression, anxiety attacks, and was even told I had PTSD from my miscarriage.  I was a shell of myself. I was failing my husband, my son, and myself. I knew in my heart what I needed, the roots were there, but I felt too far away. Once again, I found myself calling out to my savior. “I can’t do this anymore, God, please help me.” Oh, our God is so good. No matter how far we go He is always waiting with open arms. Within the last few months I have been delivered from depression, anxiety, PTSD, and a million other things. Today my relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important in my life because, when that relationship is right, everything else is. I am living a life full of joy and purpose. I feel like myself, not again, but for the first time! And it’s all because of Jesus!

Whatever you are going through. Whether it is physical pain, emotional pain, illness, depression, anxiety, addiction, discouragement, anything and everything. Jesus died on the cross so that we may be forgiven of our sins, but also to heal us and make us whole. Call out to Him. He loves you and died for you, let him take care of you. Even if you have never spoken a word to Him before in your life, He knows you and wants to hear from you. He is waiting to swoop you up in his arms and carry you through. All you have to do is ask.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ” My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.     2 Corinthians 12:8-9

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